A Renewed Sense of Gratitude

Yesterday, Megan and I spoke at the International Conference on Self Determination. We were part of a panel discussion on making lives of people with disabilities thier own, if every sense of the word. The other panelists ranged from people who once lived in group homes but had transitioned out, those in the process of transitioning out of a group home & even those for whom the move from the house of a relative to a group home was a significant step toward their independence.

Megan and I were participating as the “supposed ideal” example of self-determination. At one point, a colleague even called me the textbook model. In many ways this sounds so ironic to me because I see nothing extraordinary about the situation I’m in. From the very beginning, whether it was parental influence or whether I’m simply hardwired to be stubborn, I had no doubt, ever, that my life would simply unfold in the same way that anyone without a disability would watch their life unfold.

I found myself listening to the other panelists talk about their present life, how they got there, and what their dreams are, and with a fair amount of astonishment realized that quite often I take for granted my gift of total independence and freedom to live the way I choose. I even have my moments, and very often in fact, when I find myself complaining about my work or other responsibilities, and fail to recognize that in many ways I’m living my version of the ideal life that so many people with disabilities haven’t yet achieved.

I’m very grateful to have had opportunities to speak alongside other panelists, for they provided a wake up call for me  snap out of my complacency.

Last night, as Megan and I had dinner, I asked if she would remind me every so often of those who must fight harder for their ideal life, when she sees me begin to slip into laziness. I also hope that the example that Megan and I provide inspires others to bring their dreams to fruition.
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A Place of Creating Dialogue and Sharing Our Story

Yesterday, it was a pleasure to sit beside Barton on the panel at the International Conference for Self Determination Conference in Winston Salem, NC. When we first started speaking at conferences, I would translate for Barton, which of course I could never remember verbatim what he said. Now, we have more of a dialogue, playing off of each other, building on the points the other made.

Sitting on panels are a privilege because the audience gets many points of view and can start putting a picture together that includes several types of experiences. As Barton mentioned, we were both blown away by the experiences of the other panelists and both realize how lucky to be where we are, and to have found each other.

One similarity I saw with one of the panelists, who was concerned that if she moved into her own apartment, she would not be able to decorate the apartment to how she wanted paralleled very much to my need to clean our house in an attempt to have control as a compensation or not having control or self expression as a child. It’s so fascinating how what’s going on inside manifests itself on the exterior.

While it’s always fun to tell the story about how we met and our marriage, we included some other points in yesterday’s panel as well. We talked about how self determination and independence encompasses many aspects of life- housing is the largest because it is the most obvious, but there are other aspects- mission & vision, expression, transportation, employment/income, and building relationships. We talked about how we’ve had to create our own system, taking on the responsibility that comes with that freedom. What can hold us back- fear & lack of resources. Creating support systems through mentoring, networking groups and building relationships has been an incredible part of creating that path outside of the system.

Many times people ask how Barton & I “Manage.” Our answer- just like everyone else does. Sometimes we do it right, sometimes we do it wrong, sometimes the flow comes easily, and sometimes we bang our head on the wall until we figure out a different way.
No matter what, it’s always a privilege to hear the journeys of others and share our own journey as well.


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Creating Space to Break Out of the Box

Barton & I have always talked about living out of the box, forging our own path no matter what other people think. But the question is- how do you do this? It’s takes a little creativity, flexibility and being open to possibilities that you may not necessarily be able to see at the time.

Take this weekend for example. I had been organizing the Falls River Town Center Spring Fling, and Saturday, Barton and I spent working a fourteen-hour day at the event. Barton promised me a Margarita after a successful event and wanted to take me over to Bahama Breeze, a couple of miles from our house. Since there were still three bars left on Barton’s wheelchair battery gauge, he thought he had enough battery to make it there & home (you know where this is going, don’t you?).

So I climbed up to sit in Barton’s lap (his new wheelchair reclines), and off we went. As we went along, Barton’s wheelchair started to slow down a little bit. About three-forth of the ways there, the bars diminished and the speed dramatically declined. I jumped off and walked beside him, which helped a little, but not for long. It was the first time Barton had run his new wheelchair on empty. We arrived at Bahama Breeze with the last bar blinking.

As we waited to be seated, a good hour since it was prom night for several high schools, we talked through different options. What were we going to do? How do we get home? Barton struggled not to feel guilty since it had been such a long day. We called the two cab companies with accessible vans, but no one answered. So I mouthed to Barton across the patio, “We could just go to the hotel.” What I meant was, we could go to the hotel & continue to call or figure it out from there. What Barton heard was, we could just stay at the hotel overnight.

We could have gotten all grumped out about it, especially since we hadn’t figured out how we were getting home. Instead, we laughed, resigned that it would work out one way or another. A while later Barton brought it back up, we could just stay overnight at the hotel, and I realized what he meant. This solution immediately relieved our fears and brought us both back into the present. I didn’t have to worry about walking home blurry-eyed on a late Saturday night. We did end up calling our incredibly gracious neighbor so we could get the battery charger. While we did end up spending a little extra money for the night, we had a delightful meal, several drinks, and a night away from home with no phone, computer or other distractions. Sunday, we walked home, rested & ready for the day.

So how did we get to this place of creative problem solving? Working together, letting go of expectations and being open to the possibilities certainly helped. Creating a plan is great, knowing when to break out of the plan and going with the flow is even more important.

Our mentor Phil Okrend recently shared with us a great quote that Robert Kennedy used from George Bernard Shaw, “Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.”


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Simple Abundance

We’ve gotten several questions on how we’ve managed during this economically difficult time, what challenges we’ve faced and what changes we’ve had to make. Barton and I are lucky in that we own our own business, and our overhead costs are very little, and fact, we’ve seen a growth in our business exponentially.

Our biggest challenge by far: medical costs. Both Barton and I have had some major medical expenses- Barton just got his brand new wheelchair and his refill for an intrethecal Baclofin pump isn’t cheap, and I had a mole removed by my dermatologist. While we both have health insurance, we do have very high deductibles, so our challenge is to make enough to cover our medical costs.

Barton’s help quit last July, so since that time, I’ve taken over the morning routine. Now, I don’t really mind it (because it gives me more time with Barton) except for a couple of things- morning is my best writing time, so I’ve had to adjust my work schedule, and I do have to watch my energy level to make sure I’m getting enough sleep to wake up in time to get us both ready for the day, which can be quite early. It’s important for both Barton and I that the roles between wife and caretaker are different, so eventually we’ll get back to morning help, but for the time being, we can’t justify that expense.

Like everyone else, we’ve been eating out less; I’m definitely on the search for new crock-pot recipes. We’ve also been watching our mileage. We’ve been used to driving long distances, and the last year we’ve really cut back on driving. One benefit of this transition has been to know and use the local resources in our community. For Barton- it’s really important that he figures out our neighbors who can help him out if I’m not around. While we have many friends a ways off, it’s been important on so many different levels to make connections and get to know our neighbors in our own community.

When we were looking at celebrating our fifth-year anniversary this November, we originally had planned to go back down to Longboat Key, Florida where we spent our honeymoon, but we realized that the transportation cost by air & car, food & hotel- just wasn’t worth it. Don’t worry, we’re still celebrating- a rental house on the Outerbanks where we can take our dogs with us, make our own meals & enjoy a glass of wine overlooking the ocean will suit us just fine (and I’m sure we’ll splurge with at least one night out).

So while we have made some drastic changes, we are creating more opportunities, looking at the infinite possibilities of each day, remaining positive (turn the tv off if you haven’t already!) and thankful that we have each other.


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The Three-Week Move to North Carolina

Writer’s never write their stories in order. I’ve told this story three times in the last several days to friends, so it seems relevant that I go ahead & post it. We have several new projects on the horizon, and we’re a bit excited, a bit nervous. How will it end? As they say, it’s a mystery!

For over seven years, I organized trade shows for a manufacturing company in Tuscaloosa, Alabama. I remember the day- Wednesday, August 17, 2005. I picked up the phone at work. Barton was breathless- we’re moving. Okay, I said on the phone. It was true that we were planning to move in October.

Barton whispers- September 1st. The apartment complex called. There’s an ADA apartment opening on September 1st. I couldn’t say no. I nodded, okay- wait, September 1st. I remember hanging up the phone and trying to wrap my head around what Barton just told me. We’re moving- in two weeks- to North Carolina.

 

After six months of living in Tuscaloosa, it was clear that the town was not accessible friendly. Barton couldn’t even get on the bus much less walk down the sidewalk-less street. He was also having difficulty breaking through the old Southern stereotypes of people with disabilities as he searched for sustainable work. While I was at full-time job, Barton was researching different options that would be better for us. When I spoke of moving to my family, they were greatly concerned- where would we go, what about health insurance, did we have enough money, what about work? How would we manage? Yet, I knew I had to trust Barton- as much as we loved our friends, Tuscaloosa just wasn’t working.Because the lines crossed between neighborhood and work (Tuscaloosa is a small town), we realized how quickly word could spread between friends who were associated with those at work. Since Barton and I relied on my company’s health insurance plan, we had to be careful that the timing was just right. I went to great lengths to avoid the rumblings about our move.

As Katrina roared across Tuscaloosa in the middle of the night on my birthday, I huddled with Barton- we slept with our clothes and boots on, just in case we needed to be on the move. I remember thinking- just don’t let a tree fall on our house so we can still sell it. We were lucky in that our neighborhood sustained minimal wind damage.

I went to my manager’s office three days later on September 1- I remember my hands shaking as they held the folder with resignation letters. Was I actually doing this? I had been working there for seven years. Yes, I was.
Barton left for North Carolina that Friday, and since we were selling my mother’s house, I stayed behind to go through another round of packing and house repairs for preparation to put it on the market.After three weeks of minimal sleep working on the to-do list that literally wrapped around the page, I joined Barton in our new apartment in Raleigh. It was done & I could rest now. As stressful as the move was, it was the best decision that we could have made for our family.

In the first six-months of living in Raleigh, Barton had clocked over 1,000 miles on his wheelchair (compared to the 50 in Tuscaloosa). And while each day brings new opportunities and new challenges, we have many more options that make life- a mystery!


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