Accepting the Gift

Posted on March 25, 2011 by loverollson
Last fall- family photo with Beowulf.

Last fall- family photo with Beowulf.

What a bizarre start to the year it has been. Since January we’ve had several friends who have been very ill, repaired the car- at a horribly expensive fee, came to a tipping point in regards to finances, lost little Beowulf, Bear cracked his tooth apparently below the gum line, on and on it goes. And that doesn’t include the very dramatic national and global ripples we are all riding. Trying to hold onto creativity, vision, and work has seemed more of a challenge, and it’s been easy to get distracted with so much chaos in the world.

Like Barton, during these times I find it difficult to accept the support that we do have around us. It’s so much easier for me to give rather than to accept a gift. Tomorrow, a group from our church is coming over for a house repair day. How ironic that my first urge is to make sure the house is all tidy and clean before they get here! Allowing others into places where we are still rough around the edges is something that’s taken a while to get used to.

As we began to speak about how we push aside the help we are offered, I realized how strong that old cyclical pattern of not feeling like I deserve the help that is offered. Certainly, so many others are more in need than we are.

And, in part because of the judgment that surrounds it. I will always be the wife who hears “I don’t take care of Barton,” “don’t feed him enough,” or “if you can’t manage this, how could you possibly ever have children.” It’s an oddity of extremes- others either hold me on a pedestal because they think I solely take care of Barton or I am the one who can’t do anything right & Barton deserves someone else. There is little room for middle ground.

The reality is, right now, we all need to come together, hold each other where the other falters and fill in the empty spaces. What is it like to truly accept a gift? How do you help the giver by allowing them to give? How can you carry that gift forward?

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Driving in the Dark…

Posted on March 9, 2011 by loverollson
Our all time favorite sign- yes, we can take the detour through flooded waters. Sure.

Our all time favorite sign- yes, we can take the detour through flooded waters. Sure.

Last week, we were excited about speaking with a class at the University of Georgia. Yet, the week was full, and we found ourselves cramming in travel, meetings, work and fun. Unbelievably, we left Athens at 4:00am in the morning. Now we didn’t drive in the same way, so when we asked the manager at the front desk how to get back to the interstate to head north, we received very generalized directions.

While we weren’t exactly on empty, we were getting low, and we didn’t realize that the road he directed us to took us toward Atlanta- for oh, about 20 or 30 miles. Now in the middle of this, I began getting antsy. Did we have enough gas? Would this be taking us too far South?

Driving in the dark, on a road in which we were unfamiliar, we both began getting nervous. I got this picture of “the dark and dreary night.” We were going to run out of gas, pull over and get killed in some bizarre situation with an axe murderer.

When we finally found a lone gas station, you would have thought we had run the lottery, except with the high gas prices, it was the other way around. After all of our frustration, we looked at each other and laughed.

Barton saw this tiny sign for 85 North, so we turned onto this tiny road which led us through another 30 miles into nowhere and through little tiny towns. We sure didn’t come this way, but apparently, we were going to find our way home this way. Amazingly, we did make it home alive, and just in time for an afternoon meeting.

We have many travel stories- Barton blames our adventurous travel on me, saying that he never had issues traveling before he met me.

Since we met, we’ve been suck in an airport for three days (the airplane we were in was hit by lightning & had issues with the brakes), drove 11 hours through the same wild storm with tornados, evacuated off Hattaras Island by ferry where we were spending our 5th year anniversary- and had to drive through flooded waters to get to the ferry, and numerous occasions of lost luggage, delays and diversions.

Besides still having anxiety attacks every time I enter an airport, we’ve learned to laugh at the adventures on the road. For sure, I’ve learned to be more flexible and spontaneous. We’ll get there when we get there.

So if you find yourself on the road next to us- good luck, because you’ll probably need it!

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The Winding and Beautiful Road

Posted on February 21, 2011 by loverollson

Barton and Megan in Arizona.

It is amazing to me the beauty that unfolds when we let go of the unnecessary and follow with a trusting heart where we are being led. The day after Valentine’s Day eight years ago I found myself in this exact position. Though at the time, I was not entirely aware of the extent to which this was occurring.

As some of you may know, this is the day I met Megan for the first time during a brief encounter when I dropped by a friend’s house to begin a new stage in my martial arts training. I had no idea at the time that this would be the same occasion that would bring me face to face with the woman that would become the love of my life. In fact, romance of any kind was the thing furthest from my mind at the moment. I had tentative plans for the night before to reconnect with an old flame in what was clearly a futile attempt to rekindle a relatively unhealthy and unwanted relationship. When the plans fell through, I took it as a clear sign that it was not where my focus needed to be, and, perhaps hopelessly began to believe that finding partnership in this lifetime was not where I was being led. Surprisingly, I was okay with this.

But boy, was I wrong, and thank God for that! My focus the day that Megan and I met was on training. And though I thought she was beautiful, it wasn’t until we met again three months later that I even considered pursuing her in any fashion. Fortunately, I did and though it took her a while to catch on, I feel confident in saying that it was probably the best thing for either of us that I’ve ever done.

After eight years, we’ve been through quite a bit, discovering a constant practice of rediscovering who we are as individuals and as a couple. It’s been a challenging, beautiful, exquisite, exhilarating journey, and while there’s always been more to work on, it feels like we are finally beginning to understand how true partnerships flow and function.

Last week, some dear friends of ours gave us a very fine gift to use for a special dinner for Valentine’s Day. We opted to make our reservations a day late and take the chance to celebrate not only our love for one another but to take the time to look back over these eight marvelous years we have known each other, and reflect on our on-going transformations and look forward to the opportunities to grow together that await us.

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A Chance Meeting for Love

Posted on February 21, 2011 by loverollson

Barton and Megan in Tucson, AZ.

February is a month of celebration for us- not only is it Valentine’s Day, but over the Valentine’s Day weekend eight years ago, Barton & I met for the first time. I was in Arizona for an informal martial arts training at a friend’s house. In fact, I had skipped out on a local seminar so that I could be there.

That Saturday afternoon, I was in the hallway talking to several of my friends when I was introduced to Barton. My first thought was like most other people- how does he train in a wheelchair? Later I would quickly find out! In a flash he was gone, out the door, and I returned to training. I had not ever expected to find love within that brief meeting.

After all, I had spent the last two years recovering from the public break-up of an engagement and the death of my mother. And while I had begun training in martial arts and returned to my writing, the first steps to move on with my life, I never thought I would fall in love or get married.

Sure enough, my heart knew, but my mind took a while to catch up. When we said good-bye that April after a longer seminar, I tucked a note with my name and email and a piece of turquoise in his pocket, along with a kiss on the cheek. Later, I would catch myself talking about Barton or telling a Barton story to a friend. I couldn’t have expected the love that would follow.

This winter has been particularly difficult, and while we worked through all of the challenges that were presented to us side-by-side, it was wonderful to have such caring family and friends that allowed for us to take a breath, a break from the external chaos, and a chance to celebrate our relationship and connection. As we honor the transformation in our relationship over the last eight years, we look back at what a journey it has been and dream about what is to come!

This is one of our favorite quotes from Captain Corelli’s Mandolin that speaks to this transformation:

When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. This is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the desire to mate every second of the day. It is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every part of your body. No… don’t blush. I am telling you some truths. For that is just being in love; which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away. Doesn’t sound very exciting, does it? But it is!
~Iannis, Captain Corelli’s Mandolin

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In Memory of Little Beowulf

Posted on February 8, 2011 by loverollson
Barton & Beowulf chilling out.

Barton & Beowulf chilling out.

Last spring, Barton and I were walking our two dogs Bear and Basho in our neighborhood when a little 3-month puppy ran up to us & began playing with Bear & Basho. Normally our black labs go nuts & bark at other dogs, but this time they didn’t- they let the puppy tug on their ears.

It was clear this little dog was lost, and we did know he had just been neutered. When we did find the owners later in the day, Beowulf, as we called him, sat down by Barton’s wheelchair and refused to move. What a fun story that we told when we realized the owners were actually foster parents searching for a permanent home for him. It looks like he found his family.

The poor little guy had mange and lost all the fur on his head & legs, which eventually grew back. Little Beowulf also had some developmental problems, and he had actually just had surgery before we found him.

Were we insane when we considered adopting him with two other dogs? Probably, but the three played so well together, and Beowulf quickly became Barton’s dog. He would just fit in Barton’s lap, and he had just learned to crawl up onto Barton’s wheelchair. His usual perch was on Barton’s footrest, and he looked like a guard dog with his chest all puffed out. If I were sitting down, he would crawl into my lap or curl up between Barton & I- he was one of the most snuggly dogs I had ever met.

Beowulf- The Guard Puppy

Beowulf- The Guard Puppy

Beowulf and Basho (the middle dog) played and played, wrestling for hours. Outside, Beowulf would race to his guard post under the ramp landing. He would wait for Basho to get just a little closer, stalk him and pounce. He would tackle Basho, and egg him on to begin a chase around the yard. And inside, we learned very quickly not to leave clothes on the floor & anything that could be chewed went up on higher levels.

Sadly, we lost little Beowulf this last weekend when we found that there were problems beyond our scope of care. We are heartbroken, but oh, do we have stories to tell.

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